Monday, March 26, 2007

Interpretations, when gone wrong can hurt a lot.
I don't know why, after all thats happened I still have positive hopes. I still dream. I shouldn't really because then, when I'm hurt i ahve no one to blame but myself.Why did i have to have such high expectations from so-and-so etc. Its always my fault isn't it? I hope for soemthing to happen. It inevitably doesn't happen. And I'm hurt. The nex day i hope for it to happen again. It doesn't and I'm more hurt. Its a vicious ongoing cycle....

Its not funny. Its so not funny.
But then when did anyone say it was?:S


Sunday, March 25, 2007

Its so easy to smile and joke even when you are beign torn apart within.
You are reading teh blog of a person who has a Phd in this art


right now..i could even pay someone to talk to me!
I'm lonely.
Funny how one can be lonely even with so many people around.
I'll develop another personality within me, if i'm thsi lonely again.
As it is i talk to myself.

My best friends:
*my diary
*my bloggie
*my room

Maybe this is how socially reclusive people become who they are.
Being self-centred.

But if i were with friends right now, I'd laugh and joke. But i have this weird gloom, this emptiness inside. Its always there.
Its hard to ignore.

I'm so weird
I can describe myself in two ways:
* I need constant attention and love
* I love being alone.


HOW TO SOLVE MYSELF so that i can get onto solving life?

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Friday, March 23, 2007

what am i?

You are The High Priestess

Science, Wisdom, Knowledge, Education.

The High Priestess is the card of knowledge, instinctual, supernatural, secret knowledge. She holds scrolls of arcane information that she might, or might not reveal to you. The moon crown on her head as well as the crescent by her foot indicates her willingness to illuminate what you otherwise might not see, reveal the secrets you need to know. The High Priestess is also associated with the moon however and can also indicate change or fluxuation, particularily when it comes to your moods.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

R.I.P Angelina,.,,

I know you are here.
the scent of your presence
is lingering,
deep within my soul.
Its struck a chord,
though melancholy,
has unified my senses,
sharpened my aims,
my love.
Perfect harmony within,
only because of you..
O my white soul-mate,
*i miss you*

I just read sadia's post on suicide.
I try not to talk about it.
But when people do start the topic, like the literature class she talked about, I dont know how to tell them about it all.

Its haunting.
The whole discussion.

I know Angel was brave.
i dont even hesitate in telling people about her.
She was courageous.
She was.

She didn't have a choice did she?
I'm going to write along the same lines as Sadia ie. what will you do if you are raped. That too by soemone you know? And ... the horror of it all: your step-mother is involved.

Step or no, a mother is a mother is a mother is a mother.

No one commits suicide unless its teh only solution. I can bet on it.
When you know life's only going to get worse. No Prince Charming is going to rescue you from your evil enemies (read step-mother) what else are you supposed to do? Say you're fine with beign harnessed to a 32-yr-old man who happens to be a rapist, who's also married and has three kids your age? No. Then you say "I quit" to God.

You know how when one reads Cinderella, a typical evil step-mother image comes to your mind? Well i always thought it was false. Step-mothers are not evil. They're normal women like your mother and mine. But oh no! Now, to me all of them are the same. Evil, hard-hearted, cruel.

Angel's death might be self-inflicted but i call it murder.
It was forced.
She didn't want to die.
She was a lively girl of sixteen with dreams and hopes.
She used to love cracking jokes and laughing.
She used to pull me out of depression.

I miss you Angel.
More than ever.

You were my soul-mate.
You still are.

And to those who did this to you, i wish ... things i cant even say.
I hope they lose themselves.

May God punish them.

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blood and roses

When you give me a rose,
lets each prick our fingers,
with the thorns
and drip blood onto the petals..
Color it in our vitality...

A rose to Us!
To our love-hate relationship.
Blood and roses.
Wine and poison.
Lets explore new dimensions,
of love.

When you touch me,
leave a scratch.
Leave an impression.
Whats better to enhance love,
than hurt, anyway?

Your love is preying,
on my soul.
Biting at my sensitivity.
Thank you for making me bitter.
I know your intentions are pure.
Bitterness helps survival.

Thank you for teaching me,
to cut myself open.
What other way is there?
to know myself better.
My depths...

So much to thank you for.
Oh people who say,
I'm cynical, bitter
What do they know,
what love is?
Its all about losing,
All about hurt.
Bland and bitter,
No music and sweetness.
What do they know?
Those foolish rose-eyed things.

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Tuesday, March 13, 2007

my blogging degree....

The University of Blogging

Presents to

An Honorary
Bachelor of
Comment Spam

Majoring in
Psychotic Ranting


Blogging Degree

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Thursday, March 08, 2007

mamoo's wedding:D



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When will we grow up?

When will we get over the O levels and consequently the 'O levels blues'

ME wanna grow UP.

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I'll eat you up!!!!!!!!!

According to yusra, I look like I'm going to eat someone any second.


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Funny how we've all started using the word nothingness. ( we= sadia, me, sana)

Whenever I have to write about the blank and sad feeling, the word nothingness comes inevitably to my mind.

Maybe if you psychoanalyze me you'll find out i have the 'nothingness-syndrome' or something like that.

It is possible. Everythings possible.

By using this word so frequently are we subconsciously outlining the nothingness inside us? Our blank soul, blank mind....?

Or maybe, I'm thinking too much.

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funny how we have all started to use the word "nothingness"

Whenever I'm writing anything and i want to express the sad, blank feeling , the word 'nothingness' inevitably comes into my mind.

Maybe if you psychoanalyze me you'll find i have a nothingness-syndrome.
Or soemthing.

Does it mean we are subconsciously outlining the nothingness inside us?

It can be true. I dont know..

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

When life twists itself into a complicated web of desires, obstacles and hopes. When you get lost in the maze.... and desires turn murderous, obstacles trip you and hopes stab you....when you're in desperate need of a helping hand...

Thats when you feel what i'm feeling right now.

It actually gets worse. Its like you fade away, into darkness... into teh eternal silence. You are emotionless, hopeless and...blank. When life seems funny. You laugh and then cry. Or cry till you laugh....

Your diary gets soaked through...

You're drained. Emotionally and physically.....

I hate it.. its stays for a logn time...

and leaves you weak and vulnerable...

i hate it.


Monday, March 05, 2007

meetha phal..

they say:
"sabar ka phal meetha hota hai" ( the fruit of being patient is sweet)

Well i've been very patient. But being honest. io can't actualy say it has borne any fruit, sweet or otherwise.

and so i shall sing, excuse me for this:

"We are the boys that nothing can tire, we are the boys that gather samphire( meetha phal)"


Sunday, March 04, 2007

I'm so hurt.
So, so hurt that my fingers are clenched when they are not scratching my left wrist like a possessed being.
I want to wail, to cry, to howl and scream. I want to complain like a little child.
curl up like a baby and weep. Just to get it out of my system.

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me
What hurts the most Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do
It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

This life is so meaningless. We idiots think with our education, our knowledge, our brains, we can accurately give life a meaning. We can define life and people around us. But we're so mistaken. We move in circles. For eternity. Just round and round inside them. Very aimless and without a destination.

When suddenly you find meaning in life, or you think you have, everything redefines itself. Its like when you're high. Your senses are sharpened. The sense of smell, taste, feel.
But its all an illusion. Its all a mirage. As soon as you approach it, it shatters into a gazillion little pieces. Leaving you alone, to pick up the shards which prick your heart with each lubb-dubb

The hurt which is in me is beyond words.

I love you..




isn't this funny?
isn't this fun
its not.

try getting the old aiesha back now....
you've hurt me so bad, i'm numb.

Friday, March 02, 2007


You know how people in Pakistan don't have a clue as to what they are saying at times?
I mean who says
"Yes, it was very, very, fatal, the accident! but mashallah he's okay now"

I mean please. Dont say fatal if you dont know what it means goddamnit.

and what about,
"Oh he's very healthy mashallah!"
This said abotu an obese little kid who adores french fries. He probably worships the Potato God or soemthing:S:S

weird pakis.

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i hate misogynists.....

"sore for sight eyes" my ass.

go to hell.